Recently came home, in the Bay Area, to begin working in my graduate lab. Within one week I went from a stressed mess to an angry soul to an apathetic nomad. Maybe I learned something from this, maybe I’m just acting like a spoiled or entitled person, but either way I’m coming away from it feeling melancholy.
Moving away from San Diego, my home for the last six years, and more importantly moving away from my love was a calculated decision. I needed to begin my graduate career, which included working in the summer in the lab. I had procrastinated looking for Bay Area housing that would be a suitable distance from my lab, therefore I reentered my parents’ home with no move-out date in mind. Well, school started in about a month, so I had until then to find a place.
I made the decision to put my foot down from the start to live and sleep in my old room – pretty much a storage room where joeline sleeps once a week. If I was going to be staying for a month and waking up early to drive at least 1.5 miles to and from lab I’d need some private space. The alternative was sleeping on the floor in the living room where I’d wake up with the first step some one took down the stairs in the morning. joeline wouldn’t have it. After a week of going back and forth, up and down, I just couldn’t win. This was partially because of my personality and partially because of hers. She likes to stir up drama, she needs to get her way, and she always puts herself first. I made it clear that I knew I was being selfish with my demands, but I had good reasons (beginning grad school + long early commutes + being an ultra light sleeper). Unfortunately I am understanding, reasonable, caring, and flexible. Jason was angry that Bhai would ask this of me, and that I would concede. I think my mom might be the only person who could understand why I stood down in the fight – at the time I was conflicted by my surrender as well.
That first week was terrible because joeline’s behavior always brings the worst out of me. One of the many reasons I do not want to be anywhere around her. I snapped viciously at my parents, I acted uninterested towards the kids, I couldn’t think of anything other than how much I hated her. I’ve learned that while I have every right to feel and be angry in a situation – my emotions are warranted regardless of what others say or believe, but it was unhealthy to allow that anger to take root in me and spread an intense negative energy. I was becoming someone I hated. I strive on positivity and good thoughts and letting go of things and focusing on what I’m grateful for. That is what I learned about myself away from my family, while I was in San Diego. So I knew I was different and I needed to change that.
It would have been much harder had Jason not found me a place to live. Besides putting my gears into overdrive through some reality checks he guaranteed me a place to live with his parents, conveniently situated 30 min away from lab. I cried from the relief and joy and love. From then on I could see my future. It was a little weird, but it was wonderful. I could deal with sleeping downstairs for two weeks over a month or longer. Although that didn’t stop me from getting angry whenever joeline popped up (in person or in my thoughts). So far my most effective way of getting over it is to remember that I have so much love an happiness in my life. My parents are there for me, my brother is there for me, my mom is an adorable ray of sunshine for me, my friends are true, I have a baby who mostly takes care of herself, and most of all the love of my life is my rock. There are so many positives in my life that are the reciprocal in hers so I will be okay in the long run. Sleeping on the floor for a few weeks, being woken up too early, it will all mean nothing in the grand scheme of my life.