This one is gonna be more of a diary entry…
So much of a person’s personality and personal issues stem from their childhood environment, especially the way they handle romantic relationships. I am lucky that my ability to trust and communicate with an SO wasn’t stunted to the brink of nonexistence with the environment I grew up in.
Watching and hearing my parents argue as a kid was never good. It happened every week without fail. Back then my only concern was to drowned out the negative tones and words with books and music. Ignorance was bliss as a child. As a grown woman I cannot ignore the words anymore, partially because my mom uses me as her sole confidante and partially because now my voice holds more weight.
As I analyzed the arguments and heard my mom’s stories of my parents’ behavior behind closed doors I learned more about the dynamic in their marriage and lives. Both of my parents grew up in a heavily patriarchal Indian society. My dad grew up with expectations of what a man deserves and gets out of a marriage. My mom knew what was expected of her as a wife, though she grew up with more grit and sass than an Indian man at the time could handle. Unfortunately my dad’s quick temper, alcoholism, and bad financial management shunted my mom into submission.
I guess it’s nothing new when this type of relationship is still heard of in parts of the world. However, my childhood ignorance allowed me to stay blind to this truth for a long time. Now I can call the behavior what it is: emotional and verbal abuse. At first it was hard to associate my dad (who’s temper exploded on me many time over as well) with this horrible word “abuse”, but I gave it time and thought and now I see it as a fact.
My poor mother, a true lioness, lives in fear every day, full of regret, unfulfilled dreams, and complete restriction. In her core she is compassionate and generous with her time, skills, and love. She is brave and will stand up for herself, as much as her patriarchal upbringing allows. Her endurance is stunning as she works, cooks, cleans, babysits, and does errands – she has lived the life of a maid from the moment she got married, and even as a sixty+ year old woman with diabetes, she goes hard every day. I could see all of this an more in my mother despite the tight grip my dad had/has on her freedom.
My mom doesn’t have her own bank account, her own health insurance, she doesn’t have her own car. My mom can’t go somewhere without my dad knowing. She can’t do something he disapproves, and if she does it is with fear in her heart that he will find out and scream her to sleep. She never got the single family home she dreamed of, she can’t even have a garden – a simple pleasure she loves fantasizing about. My mom’s life has always been filled with financial worries but with very little to no say in financial management. My dad will give money away to family (well-off family) and allow his own wife to bear the burden of tight basics budgets. Now because my brother’s whole family lives in her house she plays instant babysitter with mixed signals – sometimes my dad wants her to take care of the grandkids, sometimes he gets mad that she’s doing too much for them. My mom doesn’t have a say in the furniture and artwork in the house – she never calls it her house, it’s always my dad’s house. She doesn’t have freedom to play games on a cellphone or read whatever book she wants or watch whatever TV shows she’d like. It’s all met with unabashed criticism because my dad wants her to do what he thinks is best.
That’s a small window pane’s view of my mom’s life in her marriage. There’s so much more, I could probably write a book. Well, my dad has completely shattered my trust in Indian men. I do not feel comfortable being in a relationship with an Indian man because I know the toxic culture they come from.
My current SO is an angel who was a blessing from God, nothing less. He is nothing like my dad. Patient, well-mannered, clear communicator, loving, sweet, generous, responsible, and a feminist, he is a rare fish in a vast ocean. Even with such a wonderful man I keep my guard up but I also put in extra effort to avoid the mistakes and behaviors I hated in my parents’ marriage. I am clear with J that I will never tolerate abuse of any kind especially physical. I am clear about when his words hurt me and why. I am clear about why he makes me angry or how he is mansplaining. Open communication is a vital pillar in my relationship with him. He also knows to never raise his voice at me because that is unacceptable – I do not react well to yelling and I make that clear. The only silver lining I see in my parents’ toxic relationship is that I learned what not to do and developed staunch standards.
I can’t look at my dad most of the time anymore. I don’t ever want to speak with him. I avoid being in his presence and I dread going to my parents’ home because of him (and joeline which is a whole other shit show). But now I am a grown woman and I have to do my damn best to be my mom’s rock. She stood tall amidst hellfire and I want to help her find peace and rest. For now it will have to come in the form of little gestures – loving physical contact, laughter, silliness, help, understanding, and all the love I can possibly exude.
My mom has been and still is in an abusive marriage because her Indian culture allowed for it. There is not wonder why I will never allow biodatas and arranged marriages into my life – I’ve seen the borderline worst possibilities.
snowhiteice 